Car Thieves

TIME: Autumn.

SETTING: Street with a bus stop, run down flat, luxurious flat, surgery, fast food restaurant, pharmacy, police station, parish church.

LACIKA
How can you be such a neek?

ARON
Stop pushing me.

LACIKA
Connect this with that wire. Wake up.

ARON
Can't do it.

LACIKA
Cause you're a neek.

ARON
Stop pushing me, I told you.

LACIKA
Such a sweet ride and you can't ignite it. Even a mong could start this car.

ARON
Now...

LACIKA
About time, you cretin. Let's roll.

ARON
Let's get out of here, come on.

LACIKA
What?

ARON
Here, jump in.

LACIKA
Do what?

ARON
Drive.

LACIKA
I can't drive.

ARON
You said you could drive, you said you could drive, you prick fool.

LACIKA
I can't drive, you can drive.

ARON
I've never been able to drive.

LACIKA
(angry) I don't believe this! I don't believe this! You mess up everything you do! Shit! Such a frikkin neek! We should burn it at least.

ARON
Are you nuts? You are going to burn the steering wheel with matches?

POLICEMAN
What the hell are you doing here? Are you alright?

ARON
Come on Ferike, leave us alone. You frightened me.

LACIKA
Uh... Aron has dropped his glasses and we're looking for them. Without his glasses he can't see the road markings.

POLICEMAN
I see. Who's motor?

LACIKA
Keep your nose out my business!

POLICEMAN
I am the police, you twat.

ARON
I wouldn't be so proud of it.

POLICEMAN
Hands up! And get out the car!

LACIKA
Let's do one!

MONI
The doctor is an angel. Barbara's sleeping.

DOCTOR
The dog stopped whining as well. I tied it behind the garage. One flick with the lead here, one tetanus injection there - bit of a mountain out of a molehill!

MONI
Your healing worked because you love everybody.

DOCTOR
I have been to eleven funerals in my life. There is nobody left for me to love. So you have already moved the little girl to the grandmother's room.

ILDIKO
Another glass of wine, Doctor? Moni, offer some more to the doctor.

DOCTOR
I can help myself to the schnapps in the cupboard. When I used to come here on wednesdays, there was quiet here, this was an island of peace. Your mother never took me seriously. No more peace. What a racket!

MONI
Can you hear the swallows?

DOCTOR
I'd chase them away. Today I was there at the post-mortem. I had a hard day.

ILDIKO
How can you talk about such horrible things?

DOCTOR
But this is not a horrible thing. For such is life. We live, then we die, and when we die they make a list of our organs.

ILDIKO
But how can you say this? You know she adored her grandmother.

DOCTOR
She? Her grandmother? But she hardly knew her! I adored her grandmother. I dreamt hopelessly of her when I was twenty and she was sixteen. And I had to assist at the post-mortem, not her, because I was the Family Doctor. Then why is she crying, why not me?

ILDIKO
You are a monster, doctor, a heartless monster. You made this poor girl cry. What did you say, did you want some wine?

DOCTOR
You see, I had a hard day, my memories are suffocating me, I had to wire a childhood love's death certificate, and on top of this I'm called a monster.

ILDIKO
You can feel hurt. You can feel hurt, but you are still a monster... Yes, it's better if you leave now.

DOCTOR
All right, then. Comfort your niece in my name. Where is my hat? You could easily have been my daughter, and instead you call me a monster... All right then.

MONI
Has he gone?

ILDIKO
Never mind him. He's a whacked out old hermit, he's 50% nuttah, and 100% alcoholic. Hear what I say? Forget about it.

MONI
Granny's funeral will be on Thursday.

ILDIKO
Otherwise he's a good doctor. He used to examine you on that table when you were a nipper.

MONI
You've already told me this. I'm not going to the funeral.

ILDIKO
What? Why? You loved your grandmother.

MONI
I don't want to see anybody. I miss her so much.

ILDIKO
We'll all miss her.

MONI
Who we talking about?

ILDIKO
You and your daughter can stay with me, now that you have to leave this house.

MONI
Very kind.

ILDIKO
You will have to work.

MONI
Had no other plans.

ILDIKO
You'll work for me. You already know Sing-Song. You don't have to be poor forever.

MONI
I don't mind being poor, as long as I've got lots of money.

ILDIKO
And I expect to be respected properly.

MONI
You and all Sing-Song's girlfriends will get all the respect you deserve.

ILDIKO
Let's clear this up, one more foolish comment and you're out.

MONI
You mean out of here?

ILDIKO
For your own sake.

BRUNN
If you say that again, I'll spark you. There's only six packs left.

LACIKA
They put a lock on the drug cupboard. I can get some more from the ward, but that's the end of it. I'm doing a night shift tomorrow, I can get you all the painkillers you can handle, but the old girls in the ward will be screaming.

BRUNN
Tomorrow is too late, ass-wipe.

LACIKA
Could Mariusz wait one more day?

BRUNN
This is my private business.

LACIKA
Right. Nobody's business but your own.

BRUNN
So don't mess around with my money or you'll never work off your debt.

LACIKA
I never would. Just gimme one more day. I only need one last hit so I get through the night shift without withdrawals.

BRUNN
Same old story!

BRUNN (cont'd)
Was that it?

LACIKA
I'll die without! I don't have any more.

BRUNN
I don't give a monkey's.

LACIKA
Please, I really need it. Fuck's sakes. Tomorrow I'll bring you twice as much.

BRUNN
I don't give a shit. And this is to remind you that you can't bullshit me.

BRUNN (cont'd)
Come on, keep it together, kid. You got a long night ahead, you sorry little pill popping fudgenudgin faggot.

ARON
Whassamatter?

MONI
Nothing, just a rat. The park is swarming with them. They got a thing for the rubbish.

MONI (cont'd)
I'm gutted you're gonna be a priest. Your mother wants it, don't she, smartarse.

ARON
Don't call me this.

MONI
What else to call you, I been calling you smartarse from time. What you staring at, smartarse?

ARON
The fountain. The neon lights make the water red.

MONI
It's as if the sky is being washed with blood.

ARON
(secretly watching girl) You going somewhere?

MONI
Why you so int'rested?

ARON
Where?

MONI
I'm not going nowhere, I'm just going home. Just saw you standing there. What are you looking at now?

ARON
I want to ask you something...

MONI
What? You wanna ask me out to the pictures and all?

ARON
I wanted to ask you. Why does everyone call you Anke?

MONI
Maybe my mum wanted to have an Austrian kid. Because I was born in Wiener Neustadt, where my mum was a waitress with decent patrons.

ARON
And how does it feel?

MONI
What?

ARON
To be born in Wiener Neustadt.

MONI
Can't remember.

ARON
Pity.

ARON (cont'd)
I thought your mum brought you up.

MONI
My mum runs a guest-house in South -America.

ARON
This poxy bus is never gonna reach.

MONI
You got a foul mouth, Father Aron.

ARON
It's not definite yet. Why do you keep scratching?

MONI
My bra is too small.

ARON
Wishful thinking, babe.

MONI
Haha very funny.

ARON
I got to be honest. I'm not actually waiting for the poxy bus. I'm waiting for a date. That's what I wanted to say.

MONI
You? And who is it?

ARON
None of your business.

MONI
I bet it's a cripple with three titties. What she look like?

ARON
Why you so curious about her?

MONI
I'm not curious. Juss wanted to go to the pictures.

ARON
'Emotional, adventurous, patient, gentle, romantic, generous, gallant and financially secure?'

MRS. MOLNAR
Who are you?

ARON
It's me. The White Rose.

MRS. MOLNAR
You are the White Rose? This is a disgrace!

ARON
No, it's 'Soulmates'.

MRS. MOLNAR
You said you were fifty-seven. How old are you?

ARON
Physically: Twenty. Mentally; Fifty-seven.

MRS. MOLNAR
You are very impertinent, boy. This is a dirty trick. I could report you to the police.

ARON
Why don't you want to take a chance with me? Gimme a chance.

MRS. MOLNAR
Are you mad? Idiot. 'Financially secure'! You haven't got a clue how to support a woman.

ARON
My mum cooks every day, you could move into my place.

MRS. MOLNAR
Tell me why had to meet at a bus stop?

ARON
It's an infrequent service. And this is my hangout, anyway.

MRS. MOLNAR
I should give you a hefty slap, kid. I hope this was fun for you!

ARON
Does it make a difference that I want to be a priest?

MRS. MOLNAR
In which church?

ARON
Catholic.

MRS. MOLNAR
In that case, I'm converting to Islam.

ARON
Women always judge you by appearances.

MONI
I didn't realise you went for vintage models.

ARON
I don't care about immature birds. I care about life.

LACIKA
'The warm breeze brought the smell of wet meadows and distant hills to the narrow streets. - Where now - thought Friolin, as if it wasn't the most evident thing to do, to go home and go to bed. But he could not do that. He felt homeless and outcast since his annoying meeting with those Alemagnes. Or maybe since Marianne's confession?'

Oh, Marianna, you little slappa!

'No -'

LACIKA (cont'd)
'No. Since longer. Since his chat with Albertine, something chased him further and further. From the familiar every day routine of his life into a different, distant world.'

Albertine, you beast!

'He's been walking without any purpose at the night streets, every now and then the gentle spring breeze touched his forehead; finally with decisive steps, as if he had found his long searched destination, he entered into a less elegant cafe -'

I bet it's a pub!

'... Cafe. In the corner three gentlemen were playing cards.'

MONI
What do you want?

LACIKA
This is my favourite book. I found it in the X-ray ward.

MONI
Did it show that you have no brain?

LACIKA
I was there for my leg.

MONI
So what do you want?

LACIKA
Nothing, I guess.

MONI
Can't do that.

LACIKA
Then I have to think on it. I need to talk to a guy, who's here, but I don't wanna jump on him.

MONI
Think about it then. We have four types of burgers.

LACIKA
Don't you remember me? I'm Aron's mate.

MONI
I couldn't give a shit who's friend you are.

LACIKA
We spoke on the phone. I mean I rang you once, but..

MONI
Fascinating. We have four types of burgers apart from the menus.

LACIKA
I could learn a lot from you.

SING-SONG
You been scoping me for time now. I don't like being scoped. I don't find myself to be a spectacle. Do you find me a spectacle?

LACIKA
No. I'm very sorry, sir.

SING-SONG
So whatchou watchin me for? Ain't you got better things to be doing?

LACIKA
I wanted to speak with you, but I didn't want to disturb you. I've heard you're in the second-hand motor business, and, sir, I wanted to sell you something.

SING-SONG
Second-hand motors? What if I am?

LACIKA
I wanna sell you this wheelchair. Thass why I wanted to speak with you. It's a sweet ride. I juss gave it a superwash.

SING-SONG
Are you taking the piss outta me, fool? Am I hearing you correctly?

LACIKA
You should see how this baby moves! The other day I'm coming downhill and a police camera flashed me.

LACIKA (cont'd)
Forwards and backwards. Handbrake as standard.

SING-SONG
I don't deal in shopping trolleys, I deal in strictly engined vehicles y'get me?

LACIKA
This has an engine. Only the brake got stuck.

LACIKA (cont'd)
This is a first class machine. Moves like a wet dream !

SING-SONG
I don't believe this fool! If you were any dumber, you'd be a cauliflower!

LACIKA
Dumb! Do you realise how difficult it is to sneak one of these out of a hospital?

ARON
Scuse me, that your fiat?

BRUNN
None a your fuckin business.

ARON
I got the boom stereo for your ride, suits it down to the ground.

BRUNN
Already got one.

ARON
I wouldn't bother you, but I sight one dubious looking dude sniffin round your car. Proper suspicious. Gotta keep your eyes peeled in case of robbery. Christ on a bike, what if he's already robbed you? Wouldn't it be a smart move to have a spare radio at home? You'll thank me, truss me.

BRUNN
Get off.

ARON
Half-price.

BRUNN
I said get off. You deaf?

ARON
Christ on a bike, I'm not gonna twist your arm. Looks like I got myself a radio then.

BRUNN
Motherfuckin junkie scumbag thieving little prick pulled my lock out and where are the fuckin cops now, having a fuckin mochachino somewhere? Where the fuck are they and what are they fucking doing?

DOCTOR
I came to here to apologise to your aunt, or she should apologise to me, I don't actually remember.

MONI
She went out on business somewhere.

DOCTOR
It's so hot in here.

MONI
I'm glad that you're here, would you touch my pulse, please? Don't you find that it's hardly beating?

DOCTOR
Nonsense.

MONI
Everything I say, you tell me nonsense. You're impossible to talk to. Just because I'm young enough to be your daughter.

DOCTOR
Granddaughter.

MONI
Tell me this. Is there any sense in living life? Cup of tea?

DOCTOR
No to tea, yes to life. There is sense in our living.

MONI
Bright sun outside like summer, but it just makes me sadder.

DOCTOR
Mood swings. What's on the menu?

MONI
Four types of burgers. Regular deluxe, extra deluxe and light. I mean, regular light and deluxe light. And regular light, but I think I said that already and we also have just regular regular.

DOCTOR
That makes five.

MONI
It's only four to be honest with you.

DOCTOR
And what's the difference?

MONI
The tomato.

DOCTOR
I see. So some come with no tomato.

MONI
In theory but I put tomato in all of them.

DOCTOR
Then what's the difference?

MONI
Nothing.

DOCTOR
I don't think I'll order. I also came to ask you if I could take the old armchair from the apartment.

MONI
I noticed you like talking to it.

DOCTOR
Your grandmother sat in that chair for thirty years. I should have asked for her hand forty years ago.

MONI
I'm twenty. It means she sat here for ten years before I was born.

DOCTOR
How is your daughter?

MONI
Ildiko is looking after her. She insists.

DOCTOR
Poor child.

MONI
You talking about me?

DOCTOR
Though a dash of wine would make the tea taste sweeter... Drinking wine is as harmful as love.

MONI
Nothing ever happens over here.

DOCTOR
Last night I dreamt of an old New Year's Party, when the revellers swamped across her terrace. I felt tormented all day.. As if I was shivering in the bowels of the earth. I should go! It's getting late.

ARON
Excuse me, can I sit here?

ILDIKO
If you want.

ARON
I wanted to ask you something.

ILDIKO
Go on then.

ARON
Nothing... What are you reading?

ILDIKO
Why?

ARON
Seems interesting.

ILDIKO
I'm reading the Budapest Philharmonic is playing here, if you really wanna know.

ARON
Playing here?

ILDIKO
Yeah. What do you make of that?

ARON
No problem. Our side will win.

ILDIKO
Any other questions you wanna ask?

ARON
Are you free tonight?

ILDIKO
Piss off. For your own safety, piss off.

ARON
What's the matter, doncha like hot young men?

ILDIKO
You cock cheese fool!

ARON
Don't let appearance fool you.

ILDIKO
That's right. I don't let appearance fool me. I trust my eyes. Go away.

ARON
And what if I don't go away? What if I stay right here?

MONI
Whassup, you got blanked?

ARON
She's just a dyke.

MONI
You're better off not knowing what you missed out on.

ARON
This ain't my week at all. Got a fag?

MONI
School?

ARON
Don't give a monkey's about school. S'posed to do my exams today.

MONI
What kind of fool does his first year tests at the age of twenty?

ARON
Fifth year tests! And evening school, actually.

MONI
It's a non-smoking restaurant.

MONI (cont'd)
How did it go?

ARON
The exam? Crap.

MONI
What subject?

ARON
Don't ask. The fall of the Roman Empire.

MONI
And?

ARON
I didn't know the Roman Empire had fallen! (beat) What have you been doing?

MONI
Aerobics. My shift starts in a minute.

ARON
Dumb bitch! All that leaping about concusses your mind. It's a well known fact.

MONI
There's no leaping about. I think everyone should try a sport. Or at least not get leanup every night.

ARON
Aerobics is not a sport.

MONI
You wouldn't last one minute.

ARON
You bet.

MONI
Even I'm stronger than you. And I'm not stopping at aerobics. But I'm registering with a sports club. Maybe they'll send me to matches. You don't even wanna know where?

ARON
Para-lympics?

MONI
You wanna backhander? Go play with your stupid friend. You're lucky I have to go.

ARON
Why? Some guys get a real hard-on for mental defectives. Some people really go for them.

MONI
Now that you mentioned, I can really see you doing that.

ARON
Me? Joker! Never me, but Lacika would definitely vibrate with you. He loves girls like you. He sees a girl like you in mcdonalds and his pulse is racing like a madman. Could hardly cool him down. He'd dig you too.

MONI
I'm gonna learn boxing, and once I reach a level, I'm kickin your head clean off.

ARON
That's not boxing.

MONI
Yeah, Thai-boxing! I'll use your head as a football.

ARON
I told you, it's not thai-boxing. Sorry.

ILDIKO
And what do you really do at the company?

BRUNN
I solve problems. Problems as you know will always arise and when they do, I solve them.

ILDIKO
Exciting! What kind of problems do you solve?

BRUNN
Little of this, little of that. In our business one has to be competent in everything.

SING-SONG
But I have to interject that Brunn has only one way of solving a problem.

BRUNN
All's well, ends well.

SING-SONG
You wouldn't believe Brunn has a degree.

ILDIKO
Really? What did you study?

SING-SONG
Higher pyschopathics!

BRUNN
I'm sure I'd remember if I'd been to college.

ILDIKO
Your family must be proud.

SING-SONG
He has no family.

ILDIKO
Girlfriend?

SING-SONG
No girlfriend. Three times a week, he goes to a Polish widow, ten years on him, and he calls her mummy.

BRUNN
Stop that bloody singing!

ILDIKO
Two more coffees, please.

ARON
Here I am. What shall I bring?

ILDIKO
Coffee.

ARON
It wouldn't kill you to help yourself.

SING-SONG
What did you say?

ARON
I said she could have helped herself, but I can bring them, no problem.

SING-SONG
No problem?

ARON
No, no problem. Just I had lots to do.

SING-SONG
Sorry to burst your bubble, but you ever cogitate on what a fool you are to backchat your guv'nor, you little lowlife?

ILDIKO
Leave it, please..

SING-SONG
Wait a minute. No problem, yes, no problem at all. Because if there is a problem Brunn will come and solve it. But there's a slight problem with Brunn solving your problem because he has only one way to solve a problem. But this is not a problem as we're juss conversing, my young compadre and I, we are talking to clarify a misconstruction.

ARON
I'm sorry.

SING-SONG
Wait a minute. This ain't quite so simple. She's the manager, ain't she? And you're an employee, aren't you? Or am I mistaken? You are gettin paid to do as you're told.

ILDIKO
Leave it...

ARON
I'm sorry, I apologise, Ildiko.

ILDIKO
Ok. It's alright.

SING-SONG
No. We have to resolve this.

ILDIKO
No, no, it's alright.

BRUNN
The bogs are lovely sparkly clean over there. Hey! Whassup?

SING-SONG
Let me introduce you to Aron, who probably cleans the toilets as well, so you can congratulate him. Oi! Where's he gone?

ILDIKO (to Aron)
Go, they'll get off you in a minute. But they don't like if you just leave them like this. C'mon. I'll introduce you to Brunn. He's the one in the whistle.

ARON
Holy fuckin shit!

ILDIKO
Excuse me?

ARON
Fuckin hell!

ILDIKO
What?

ARON
I don't believe this! This can't be true!

ILDIKO
Do you know him?

ARON
Oh no, not this!

ILDIKO
What's wrong with you?

ILDIKO (cont'd)
This is Aron.

ARON
Good morning, sir. I feel blessed to meet you, sir.

ILDIKO
Aron is studying to be a priest. One day we're gonna be so proud of him.

BRUNN
Nice to meet you.

BRUNN (cont'd)
Are you alright?

ARON
I'm ok, thank you.

BRUNN
Are you always so industrious?

ARON
Absolutely, yes. You have to be because the punters are so filthy. They'd leave their brains behind and all, given half a chance, Christ on a bike.

BRUNN
What did you say?

ARON
That the punters are messy.

BRUNN
I thought you phrased it differently.

ARON
I don't remember.

BRUNN
I've got you, you little bleeder!

BRUNN (cont'd)
Do you have a plaster? Your bleedin singing makes me crazy.

MONI
Nervous?

SING-SONG
Course not.

MONI
Yes you are, you're nervous.

SING-SONG
I got a problem.

MONI
Monetary?

SING-SONG
No.

MONI
Ildiko?

SING-SONG
Everything is alright with her.

MONI
Does she know we've done the deed?

SING-SONG
No way.

MONI
Did she find out we'd been linking since?

SING-SONG
Reckon I must be nuts to be seen with you here. You seeing her today?

MONI
Yes.

SING-SONG
Tell her the answer to my question is yes.

MONI
Why don't you ring her?

SING-SONG
None a your business. What you gonna tell her?

MONI
Easy. The answer's yes.

SING-SONG
Good memory.

MONI
What was the question?

SING-SONG
She asked me to marry her. And I'm answering the question.

MONI
Why do I have to tell her?

SING-SONG
Keep it together. I only asked to tell her yes.

MONI
Or did you ask me not to tell her ?Why are you humming?

SING-SONG
It's just a song.

DOCTOR
Imagine we lived in South America. Their morals and habits are different to ours.

MONI
There are no saints in south America either.

DOCTOR
Alright, let's forget South America. Imagine your Ladyship falls in love.

MONI
Ok let's imagine.

DOCTOR
And love bears fruit. The one you love is rich, award-winning motor vehicle, award winning house, award winning designer furniture, and your true love soars to the heavens in a heartbeat.

MONI
You're telling me I'm pregnant again.

DOCTOR
We could put it like that.

MONI
Shit.

DOCTOR
What's shit?

MONI
The fruit of true love is shit. I can't strap another baby round my auntie's neck.

DOCTOR
What about the award winning house?

MONI
No. He works in the bar in the station. But he is an award winning darts thrower.

DOCTOR
I must have confused him with the previous one.

MONI
Sad to say, I confused them too. Easily done, they're both rats.

DOCTOR
I'm sad to hear this. Especially that he has no award winning house. Hearts mend easier on a well-kept lawn.

MONI
Pregnant again. All the wonderful unique things that have happened to me are related to men, and I can't think back on any of 'em without throwing up. Any chance of a loan, Doc?

DOCTOR
How much and what for?

MONI
Guess.

DOCTOR
For that, No! And I wouldn't trust you with my money, anyway.

MRS. MOLNAR
S'cuse me. (into phone) Yes? Sell, for god's sakes, sell everything. Don't fuss.

BRUNN
I only wanted to -

MRS. MOLNAR
Just a second! (into phone) You're only telling me this now? You're lacking something, I swear... Sell everything now! How can you be such a dick!(to Brunn) The world is full of assholes! (into phone) Fuckin asshole! Sell them all ! Sell them all!

BRUNN
A table fell on my finger.

MRS. MOLNAR
Are you mad? You're whingeing about your finger when my shares plummet!

BRUNN
Fuck this, everybody lie on the floor! Quick! Move!

MRS. MOLNAR
Jesus Mary, take the money. The code for the drug cabinet is in the drawer..

BRUNN
Shut up! Gimme all your bandaids in this shop!

LACIKA
You better think long and hard about this.

MONI
Don't worry. One sniff ain't gonna hook me again.

LACIKA
That's what I said. Got off the charlie, then got back on the charlie. It will be like the best orgasm of your life.

MONI
Don't mention that.

LACIKA
Aron said you'd fuck anything back in the day. Is this true? Did you sleep with all and sundry?

MONI
I didn't sleep with all and sundry.

LACIKA
Why did you sleep with all and sundry?

MONI
To prove to this guy that I didn't give a shit about him... I fell hard for this guy who broke my heart.

LACIKA
Did you like it?

MONI
What is this shit?

LACIKA
This shit is good shit. I boosted it from the hospital.

MONI
This is by no means the best orgasm of my life.

SING-SONG
This business is going bellyup as well! I need time. I need time to pull myself together.

ILDIKO
Are you addicted to her that much?

SING-SONG
I don't know what you're talking about..

ILDIKO
She's not in love with you. She's immature. She'll fuck anybody.

SING-SONG
I like her, that's all.

ILDIKO
She doesn't like anybody. Even herself. She hates living.

SING-SONG
You've misconstrued, doll.

ILDIKO
I knew you'd do this one say. Is this really what you want to do?

SING-SONG
But I love you.

ILDIKO
You don't love me anymore.

SING-SONG
Who else would I love then?

ILDIKO
You don't love me anymore. It's my fault. I'll pack my stuff in the evening.

ILDIKO (cont'd)
You cowardly, cowardly bastard!

ILDIKO
You didn't need to walk me home but I do appreciate your kindness, old whassyerface..

ARON
Iss a rough manor.

ILDIKO
Damn straight. Give you an example, the other day rubbish men were a day late, they don't even sweep up round here anymore. In the end I'll probably slip, I suppose.

LACIKA
When you sober up, leaning on the wall...

ILDIKO
I never want to lean on the wall.

LACIKA
I can just see you leaning on the wall.

ARON
You stay there.

LACIKA
You don't know what you're doing. You'll wake up waist deep in cement.

ARON
Get off!

ILDIKO
Well, uh..

ARON
Wicked fitted carpet. That is a very rare pattern.

ILDIKO
Perhaps another time you can take a closer look.

ARON
I'll take a look now. I've got a first class honours degree in fitted carpets.

ARON (cont'd)
(Alone, loudly so Lacika hears) Forget it, Ildiko! I know you're vulnerable right now, but you know I can't come in, I like you a lot, but it's late and we're better off as friends, trust me, we are, don't cry, don't go crazy, please!

MONI
I'm sorry.

BRUNN
For what?

MONI
I stepped under your feet.

BRUNN
Don't worry about it. We all make mistakes, we're human at the end of the day.

MONI
I'm not so sure.

BRUNN
You've very lucky you know, babe. I'm shading you from this brutal wind with my body. How unpleasant to stand in the brutal wind, but not for people who have people standing behind them, babe.

MONI
Since when can you call me babe?

BRUNN
I apologise, madam. You're right. How lucky you are to queue in front of me, not so nice for others in the queue, but not for you madam, who is shaded from the wind, just unpleasant for others. (beat) Looks like rain. (beat) Are you going out with your girlfriends?

MONI
What do you mean?

BRUNN
You taking out money for a night on the razz?

MONI
Asshole, I'm takin out money for an abortion. If I have enough. Now you have all the frikkin information you need.

BRUNN
Oops.

MONI
Yes, oops.

BRUNN
I have bad luck with women.

MONI
I have bad luck with men.

BRUNN
So (beat) You're pregnant.

MONI
Anything else you wanna know about me?

BRUNN
Wait a minute, don't go away. Let me call you later after you've.... done your business.

MONI
The lights are on, but nobody home.

BRUNN
They're home. I wanted you from the moment I first saw you. Thass why I trod on your toes.

MONI
He's lost his mind, this fella!

BRUNN
I know you from Ildiko's restaurant.

MONI
Pleased to meet you.

MONI (cont'd)
This is a piece of crap. Got any shrapnel?

BRUNN
You're related to Ildiko.

MONI
Distantly.

BRUNN
Most of these are out of date.

MONI
Fuck the date, is it cold, thass the main thing.

BRUNN
No, no, no. You got to look after your health.

MONI
Do you need a hand?

BRUNN
I'll manage.

MONI
I think.... I think the beers came out.

BRUNN
Yep.

MONI
Any of them not out of date?

BRUNN
No.

MONI
Wait! I'll have one. Want one too?

BRUNN
First off, I hate beer and I never drink it. Second, I've already had three.

MONI
Are you angry now?

LACIKA
Didn't know you like beer. I reckon Aron musta got you hooked.

MONI
Tell me, do you think I can't make up my own mind about things?

LACIKA
You selling a car or something?

MONI
That's why I called you.

LACIKA
Let's make this perfectly clear. The car is not yours, you're just selling it.

MONI
If I'm selling it, then it's mine. Where is he?

LACIKA
Who?

MONI
Aron. I called him and all.

LACIKA
Aron? Have you lost your mind?

MONI
He sez the two a you buy stolen cars.

LACIKA
Bloody shame. Big mistake.

MONI
Why? Isn't he involved?

LACIKA
Yes, he is, but I'm the brains of the operation.

MONI
Did you bring a deposit?

LACIKA
Don't worry! What if I don't buy it?

MONI
You'll buy it cause you'll like it.

LACIKA
You guys were pretty much wrapped up in each other's arms the other day.

MONI
With Aron? He just asked me to the pictures.

LACIKA
Did you go?

MONI
Course not.

LACIKA
He wouldn't have a clue what to do with a woman, even if you gave him an instruction manual.

MONI
You're sayin this cause I didn't go to the lido.

LACIKA
I called you after, but no answer.

MONI
We've been in Morocco.

LACIKA
You don't have to emigrate, it's enough just to say no.

MONI
You don't quit, do you?

LACIKA
Really? Do you mean you don't like me pushing up on you?

MONI
If I wanted to put it mildly, thass how I'd put it.

LACIKA
I feel ashamed. I don't dare look in your eyes.

MONI
Please dare. Right now you're looking at my tits.

LACIKA
Oh, sorry. Didn't notice them there. Well, congratulations, nice to know you've got a pair.

MONI
That s'posed to be funny?

MONI (cont'd)
Come on then. Take a peek.

LACIKA
Take a peek at what?

MONI
Take a peek at the car, dummy! It's two stops on the tube.

LACIKA
I've told you, I've got to wait.

MONI
Aron can look another time, let's go.

LACIKA
Did I mention you have to take it to a garage?

MONI
I'm not going to drive it again.

LACIKA
Ah. Problem. My licence has expired.

MONI
Not my problem, your problem. I don't get you. If the motor's stolen, it doesn't exactly matter if you got a licence or not.

LACIKA
To be honest I never had a licence.

MONI
Not my problem, your problem. Are you up for this or what?

LACIKA
I told you, didn't I? Bring it to the garage and we'll see.

MONI
If not?

LACIKA
Not my problem, your problem.

MONI
Where is this fool? I got a kid to feed.

LACIKA
I never knew you got kids. Kids love me. They adore me. They're nuts for me. And I'm the champ in any role, Father Christmas, The Snow Fairy, I'm the dog's bollocks, snow fairy's my star part, Halloween, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer... Did I mention Father Christmas?

MONI
I bet you don't have the money with you. When you have the money, gimme a ring.

LACIKA
Do you take American Express?

MONI
You know what? Kiss my arse.

LACIKA
Love to! My number is in the phonebook.

ARON
Has she gone?

LACIKA
Yep. What could I do? The minute she heard you were coming, she exploded and left. Couldn't keep her here. I'll ring her tonight, then tomorrow I'll check out her car. No rush.

ARON
You know what, forget her.

LACIKA
What do you want, mate? What the backside are you talking about? You can see that I'm good for her.

ARON
I want her.

LACIKA
Your problem, not my problem. You won't get to ease up in those drawers. Ever. Hear what I said? Never ever ever.

ARON
Listen, I don't want it for free. Been chasing her for a year now. 10,000 florints cash in hand if you disappear from her life.

LACIKA
You serious?

ARON
S'what I said.

LACIKA
Plus VAT?

ARON
Plus VAT.

LACIKA
Do you need an invoice?

ARON
Are you retarded? Course I need an invoice. What would I tell my dad? That I forgot to ask for an invoice? My accountant can tell me how to claim it back. Do you have any idea?

ARON (cont'd)
No problem I'll ring him in the evening, he'll think a something. My accountant is so sharp they get the DT's at the Tax Office. You'd cry if you saw my tax form. I'll lend it to you. You'll cry.

ILDIKO
Your child is crying.

MONI
I can't help her. I don't know how.

ILDIKO
Go to her, Moni.

MONI
My name is Anke.

ILDIKO
Thass some foolishness from your Grandma. Your name is Moni.

MONI
I'll find her.

ILDIKO
She's next door.

MONI
Not the kid. My mother.

ILDIKO
We've gone over this already.

MONI
She's in Columbia. Or Venezuela. She's been running a guesthouse for fifteen years.

ILDIKO
Moni... You and I both know she's probably dead.

MONI
No. Not true. She rang me every Christmas when I was a kid.

ILDIKO
It was a friend of mine. I made her ring you. Stupid of me, I know.

MONI
You're all liars. I'll find her. I'll fly there and find her.

ILDIKO
And you want to ask me for money too?

MONI
I have my own money, thank you.

ILDIKO
Don't lie. You're brassick.

MONI
Only one liar here and that's you. Why you looking at me like that? If you got something to say, say it.

ILDIKO
Nothing. I've only been watching you.

ARON
I don't like all these people staring at us.

LACIKA
He'll be here in a minute.

ARON
Make a move.

LACIKA
Wait. I'm having a think. Don't sweat it. Which colour am I?

ARON
Black.

LACIKA
Black depresses me.

ARON
Your old man still in Germany?

LACIKA
What do you wanna know for? This piece has no head! Do you chew on them or something?

ARON
How long since he pushed up? Seven, eight, or even ten years? I feel for your mum. He ain't coming back.

LACIKA
Worry about your own mum, ok? Understand? And it's only been five years since he pushed up.

ARON
Oi! Put that back on the board!

LACIKA
You think I was cheating? The thing just fell off, nothing to do with me. I was just going to put it back . You really thought I was cheating? Look at this face.

ARON
Shutchour mouth.

LACIKA
Why am I even talking to a bishop-eating dickhead?

ARON
Chill. Focus. You're about to be obliterated.

LACIKA
Sitting on radios hurts my ass.

ARON
Stop bitching. I'm sitting on this grille and it's put a pattern on my arse.

LACIKA
This guy ever gonna show? I'm slowly turning to stone.

ARON
Whass your dad been doing in Germany for five years?

LACIKA
Building site.

ARON
What's he been doing in a building site for five years ?

LACIKA
Setting up iron bars for reinforced concrete.

ARON
I'd go nuts if I had to set up iron bars on a building site for five years.

LACIKA
I hope he never comes home. Fucker used to batter me when I was a kid.

ARON
So fucking what? No big deal.

LACIKA
It's better if he stays the fuck away from me.

ARON
What a shame. I can understand it, though. He took a look at you, got disappointed and battered you. I'd do the same. Did you listen to his wisdom? Was your education any use? He takes his eye off you for a minute and you start boosting motors, shithead.

LACIKA
Who the fuck are you to say this to me?

ARON
Don't matter what you do. All the girls go on the game and guys like you become lowlife thieves.

LACIKA
Are you really saying this to me ? You can't be serious?

ARON
Check!

LACIKA
Anyone can say check.

ARON
But I'm saying it.

LACIKA
Then I'll say it too. Check!

ARON
But my check is a real check, cause your king is in the shit. I could knock it over.

LACIKA
Knock it over then. It's been a hassle from the beginning.

ARON
You can't knock a king over.

LACIKA
Why can't you when you can! You make me laugh. There you go, I've knocked him over myself. Now I can see the board so much clearer. Now that I can see the board, I think I'll resign.

ARON
I can't believe you sometimes! If I want shit from you, I'll squeeze your head. Come on, let's grab something.

LACIKA
What about the radios?

ARON
Bring them then! You wouldn't think I'd leave twenty car stereos for a snake to steal them. You can't trust anybody nowadays. Everyone steals, cheats, lies, the scumbags! Let's grab something before it upsets me.

LACIKA
What about the grilles?

ARON
No one needs those. Let's go munch two burger somewhere.

LACIKA
That'll make your hair fall out.

ARON
What are you, a michelin guide?

LACIKA
I don't want to lose my hair.

ARON
Finally!

LACIKA
There you go, s'what we talked about. And also...

SING-SONG
Ok. Wait a minute. My car's been stolen. I'll kill the fucker. How fuckin dare he? He don't know who he's dealing with. But his judgement day is nigh. If you hear anything around the manor... A blue Lancia, letter 'M' engraved into the windshield.

LACIKA
Double row of brake lights?

SING-SONG
Double row of brake lights, yes.

LACIKA
Split on the front bumper?

SING-SONG
Split on the front bumper, yes.

LACIKA
Scratch on the left back door?

SING-SONG
Scratch on the left back door yes. You seen it?

LACIKA
Nope. Have you?

ARON
I can't even picture it.

LACIKA
I don't think they have cars like that in this town.

SING-SONG
Wait here for me.

LACIKA
I'll kill her, that fucking bitch! I'll kill her directly.

ARON
Fuck's sakes stop with the swearing. Told you before.

LACIKA
I paid her with no questions asked.

ARON
The scheming little minx! Oh Christ on a bike, she's skanked us!

LACIKA
What are you talking about, it was my money!

ARON
Your money, but my idea. You couldn't do a thing without me, dickhead, you're lost without me, in the abundance of water the fool is thirsty and that makes you a thirsty fool.

LACIKA
It was a very good idea, I'll give you that.

SING-SONG
Now piss off.

LACIKA
I'll kill her, I'll kill her, I'll kill her! What did she need the money for?

ARON
Plane ticket. You told her you liked her two new suitcases.

LACIKA
I'll send her to South America in her two frikkin suitcases.

ILDIKO
Don't let him drink too much coffee. No sugar, but be sure to pour the milk first, and remember he hates cream. If you already made the coffee, heat it up, but careful not to boil it, otherwise it goes bitter. And don't put any sugar in it, or have I said that before?

MONI
I only...

ILDIKO
Oh yes, the sex. Try not to feel anything and do what he tells you to do in the sack, even if you're pissed off at him. Though, I think you may have your own experiences in this area.

MONI
I should never have come. I didn't want to meet you.

ILDIKO
It wasn't you who wanted it, it was me who wanted it, sweetheart. Sing-Song ran through it for me. All of it.

MONI
Him and me.... we are not an item. I was with him once then he kicked me to the kerb.

ILDIKO
You'll be together, soon. He got separated, owing to his conscience, he suffers a while because he's weak, and also because he enjoys a good suffer. Where was I? Oh yeah, in the sack. It's fair to say he's not gentle. You probly already know it hurts. Now listen to me...

MONI
I thought you wanted to say something else.

ILDIKO
What else would I say?

LACIKA
You stole Sing-Song's car?

MONI
I just had to go in the bistro for the car keys.

LACIKA
Did you steal it?

MONI
I just told you.

LACIKA
I must be tripping. She stole Sing-Song's car. You hearing this?

ARON
Let's focus on what to do with it now.

LACIKA
Obviously we have to strip it down. What am I saying? I'll kill you, you hear?

ARON
Moni, did you hear what he just said?

MONI
Want me to strip it down now and all?

ARON
Where you going?

MONI
Don't you touch that bag!

LACIKA
See! She's been sitting on a suitcase. Going on a little cruise, darling?

MONI
Fuck off!

LACIKA
Maybe she's on the rag. That's why she's so jumpy. Wouldn't you be jumpy if you were her?

ARON
Now that you mention it, I most probably would.

LACIKA
You fucked us over, you little fuck.

MONI
You'll get your money back, but not now, alright?

LACIKA
You fucked us over and you're gonna pay.

MONI
Aron...

ARON
I honestly think you'd be better off postponing your trip.

LACIKA
How didgy you are! Had a row with your old dear?

MONI
She's not my old dear. She's nothing to me.

LACIKA
Now that you bring it up, I'm didgy too.

ARON
Moni, you'll have to sell that plane ticket.

MONI
Non-refundable. I can't sell it.

LACIKA
I'd get it done if I were you.

MONI
Let me go.

LACIKA
You hearing all this? You gimme joke. (menacingly) You'd better get that refund. Whose car did you sell us? Sing-Song's prowling through the whole town, rang all the second hand car dealers, and I've hid it in a moody lock-up next door, which anyone can discover like that (snaps fingers), and you reckon we're gonna let you slip through our fingers?

ARON
I got it. She'll return the car. And then she'll pay the money back to you sometime.

MONI
I don't want to take it back.

LACIKA
Not bad thinking at all.

MONI
I don't want to take it back.

LACIKA
You have to.

MONI
And then will you let me go ?

ARON
Yes. Soon as you take his car back.

MONI
I'll miss my plane.

ARON
You'll make it in time.

MONI
How am I gonna make it, you mug?

LACIKA
How she gonna make it?

ARON
We should give her a hand. We are human beings too, at the end of the day.

ARON (cont'd)
Airport? Who are you? Ok, ok, I've got something important to say. I'd like to inform you of an incendiary device at the airport. A bomb. A bomb. That's right, a bomb. Have a look in the corner. The left one, thass right. Best to hurry it up a notch. (hangs up) Piece a piss. Works every time I'm running late.

LACIKA
I hope you realise you're fucked.

MONI
Why?

LACIKA
You don't know them. They'll find out who did it. They'll grill you to death.

MONI
They've already done that.

LACIKA
You?

MONI
The one-word ape Brull, whatever. He said I must have seen dodgy characters sniffing around the coats.

LACIKA
Iss juss their nature to be heartless.

MONI
So, I had to say something. They didn't believe that I'd seen nobody. Really sorry but the first name sprung into my head was yours.

LACIKA
Them geezas ain't polite when they're backed into a corner. (pause) What?

MONI
I gave them your name, because nobody knows you.

LACIKA
Holy shit!

MONI
They had to figure out who you were anyway.

LACIKA
I'm a goner, I'm a goner! I'm a walking corpse! I'm a dead man!

LACIKA
Oh my god, I've stolen the mafia's car!

ARON
Easy, Lacika. Wait til sundown, we'll sneak to the car park, strip down the motor, flog as much as we can, then disappear. You first.

LACIKA
Jesus Mary please forgive our trespasses as we trespass on those who forgive us...

ARON
What the fuck you doing?

LACIKA
I'm praying.

ARON
Way too late for that. You're a dead man walking.

LACIKA
JesusMary!

ARON
Wasting your time. Better if you hang yourself.

LACIKA
JesusMary JesusMaryJesusMary!

ARON
Repeat after me; I'm a dead man, I'm a dead man. So you have time to get used to it.

LACIKA
I can't!

ARON
Practise then. The meditation will help when they nail your fingers to the floorboards.

LACIKA
I'm a dead man.

ARON
Don't shout. I'm watching telly.

LACIKA
I'm a dead man. I've already died.

ARON
But it's in the car park!

LACIKA
I know.

ARON
And you were too chicken to pick it up from there.

LACIKA
What am I supposed to say? Excuse me, let me take the blue Lancia, it belongs to the mafia? There's a battalion of cops around it, you fuckin neek.

ARON
Did you send Moni to pick it up, then?

LACIKA
She should be so lucky. She took it there, she should go get it. Then we snatch the loot and dust out.

ARON
You've lost your mind, no doubt. She ain't coming back!

LACIKA
Do you think so?

MONI
Whassup, whatchou lot watching me for? Let's go, I drove it somewhere safe.

SING-SONG
I gotta say I'm disappointed. It's not a negligible detail. You should have told me at the beginning there might be a problem. You got me worried.

POLICEMAN
No worries, mate, I promise.

SING-SONG
When will I get back what belongs to me?

POLICEMAN
We'll sort it.

SING-SONG
(calmly) No, no, no. I'm still worrying.

POLICEMAN
Three of the boys are working on the stolen car's cases.

SING-SONG
That's not my concern.

POLICEMAN
Slight problem, though. If someone else from the police come, then I'm fucked.

SING-SONG
Life's a bitch.

POLICEMAN
If I'm fucked, then you're fucked. If you see other coppers there, you are in deep doo-doo.

SING-SONG
Are you threatening me?

POLICEMAN
We can sort it, but it won't be easy. And it will cost you extra.

SING-SONG
You already settled on a price.

POLICEMAN
That's in the past.

SING-SONG
You came out with an offer and I accepted it.

POLICEMAN
This amount won't get it done. It can be done, but not for this amount.

SING-SONG
You wanna different solution?

POLICEMAN
Sort it if you think you're capable.

POLICEMAN (cont'd)
Holy shit! You got a deal!

SING-SONG
You have twenty four hours to get back what belongs to me.

ARON
Can you manage?

MONI
The carburettor's fucked.

ARON
Well done.

MONI
Just because I'm a woman. I can mend a carburettor.

ARON
Most probly can. But this is a water-pump.

MONI
(confidently) May well be. But when I started it was a carburettor.

MONI (cont'd)
I'm coming to the conclusion the world is full of rats. Ain't never getting married. Hardest thing in the world is to find a guy that's not a prick. But even when you find one, his secretary's gonna steal him. Then you need a lawyer to make him see what a nasty asshole he's been. But the hardest thing is to find a decent man, secretary or no secretary. Because they're either such idiots that they can't tie their own laces, or they treat you real sweet and then turn out to be gay. My theory is that all the good ones will turn gay, because they'll get fed up with the women. Can't say I blame them.

ARON
Am I stealing this car or you?

MONI
Me, of course.

ARON
Then why am I stealing it?

MONI
You're better at it.

LACIKA
Moni?

ARON
I made her get some beer, to stop her being such a feminist.

LACIKA
Nice one. Bitch. (beat) What's a feminist?

ARON
It means she's a good shag, idiot.

LACIKA
See the difference a good education makes. No, really, I mean it. The big words breed success. In this day and age only an ignorant zombie would ask 'You wanna drink' instead of 'Are you a feminist?'

ARON
Hold that torch, fuck's sakes.

LACIKA
I could do with a nice juicy feminist for a night. I'd love one.

LACIKA (cont'd)
I saw the world's greatest film last Tuesday. One of the teachers screened it in the assembly room. It was all about venereal diseases. Blew my fuckin mind, it did.

ARON
Our school showed a film every year about how to fuck and stuff. First time I saw it, primary school, I thought, well sex is a tough job. It looked like a surgical operation. Then questions with the teacher, and one doctor bird, but her tits were so flat, I didn't bother with questions 'cause I thought there's no way she could have a clue about sex. Went like this for years and years. That moron Ferike went on about a guy who got VD and lost his dick in a horror-porn movie, but she had nothing to say on this at all. I reckon she weren't even a doctor, or if she was one, she didn't learn fuckall at the university.

LACIKA
That's why I wouldn't be a woman.

ARON
Why?

LACIKA
They have periods.

ARON
That's just them bitching.

LACIKA
Ok, but giving birth is not a dinner party.

ARON
They just make a big deal about it! I was given birth to, and it wasn't a big deal.

LACIKA
I was born with a ceasarean.

ARON
And? What was it like?

LACIKA
No big deal.

POLICEMAN
Morning. Wanna tell me why you're dismantling this car?

ARON
That bike is heavy, geez!

POLICEMAN
Well? I'm all ears.

ARON
It's my mate's car. He asked me if I had time to take it apart.

POLICEMAN
I see. Did he also ask you to take a hammer to his shock absorber?

ARON
By specific request.

POLICEMAN
Fascinating. Papers, please.

ARON
It's not worth the looking, mate.

POLICEMAN
Papers, please.

ARON
My mate's got 'em.

POLICEMAN
Your ID, please.

ARON
Also with my friend. I find it's better to keep everything in one place, don't you?

LACIKA
Is there a problem, officer?

POLICEMAN
Are you this kid's friend?

LACIKA
We're on exceptionally good terms.

POLICEMAN
Is this your car, sir?

LACIKA
Of course, yes.

POLICEMAN
Documents, please.

LACIKA
That bike is heavy, geez!

POLICEMAN
Documents, please.

LACIKA
Aron, do you have them?

ARON
No, you have them.

LACIKA
Oh yeah, I do have 'em! This is a work of art, this bike! What's the top speed? When you really open her up?

ARON
Lacika, don't keep the gentleman waiting, I'm sure he has lot to do.

MONI
I got nothin to do with this lot. I was just passing through.

POLICEMAN
But spare a moment with us, please.

LACIKA
Can I have a go on the bike?

POLICEMAN
(into his walkie-talkie) 2-10-4. Send a car. Ujlak Street, behind the tower blocks. At the garages. I said Ujlak Street.

LACIKA
This is Szent Kristof Street.

ARON
Shut up, the officer knows it better than you.

POLICEMAN
Hands on the bonnet.

LACIKA
There's no bonnet left. Where have you put the bonnet?

ARON
It's in the corner.

POLICEMAN
Where are you going?

LACIKA
To the corner, for the bonnet.

POLICEMAN
On the floor! Quick!

LACIKA
On my back or my stomach?

ARON
I hate to interrupt you, but someone is speaking on your walkie-speakie.

POLICEMAN
(into walkie-talkie) I don't know the number. Ujlak Street.

LACIKA
Szent Kristof street.

ARON
I wanna bike like this!

POLICEMAN
I said on the floor!

LACIKA
How come she doesn't have to lie on the floor?

POLICEMAN
You too.

MONI
My clothes will get all dirty. Don't you care about that?

POLICEMAN
Get down!

MONI
Are you gonna pay my laundry bill?

POLICEMAN
You. Open the boot.

LACIKA
Me?

ARON
Why are you looking at me now?

POLICEMAN
Why? It's your car. Open the boot.

ARON
Oh shit! Thass all we need!

LACIKA
I don't know them, I never seen them before in my life, I was just walking along, walking my dog, popped out for a paper.

POLICEMAN
Shut it. Hands on the car. Spread your legs. (into walkie-talkie) No, no, two got away. Yes, sir.

LACIKA
How could I be such a prick?

POLICEMAN
(walkie talkie) How can you be such a prick, I told you Ujlak Street.

LACIKA
Szent Kristof Street.

POLICEMAN
(walkie-talkie) Shut up, you don't even have a dog!

LACIKA
I really am a prick!

LACIKA (cont'd)
(into phone) I got your number from the classifieds. Yes... And it's a full service? You and another girl? Truly? That's what it says in the ads. We can only do it over the phone? How about a one to one face to face? Come on, love, don't be so bashful.

LACIKA (cont'd)
No, it's just a busy place. Hang on a sec.

POLICEMAN
(to someone offstage) I'll kick him in his ass. When does he wanna meet me, then? I should have gone home three hours ago. (to Lacika) Where had we got to? You say you don't know Sing-Song?

LACIKA
I can't sing.

POLICEMAN
Don't fuck me around!

LACIKA
Don't know it, could you sing the first line?

POLICEMAN
Shut it. You are in the deepest shit. It'd be better for you if you stop now, don't wait for me to stop you. Do you know this Sing-Song man?

LACIKA
Never heard of him.

POLICEMAN
Never? I bet!

LACIKA
Me? Never.

POLICEMAN
But you've been hittin his car with a hammer.

LACIKA
I didn't. I don't even know what a hammer is.

POLICEMAN
See, what a comedian you are! When your act closes, I'll be overecstatic! Sign here. But read it first. What a funny geezer you are today. You roll into this case like a hedgehog in chewing gum, but you're still cracking jokes. It amazes me. Read it, I said.

LACIKA
I trust you, colonel.

POLICEMAN
Captain.

LACIKA
Then where is your ship?

POLICEMAN
That's enough!

POLICEMAN (cont'd)
I can't believe you still wanna make stupid jokes. Did you see what was in the boot?

LACIKA
(gingerly touching his face) You should have become a colonel at least.

POLICEMAN
Or I could put you in cell two for a night, they've ordered your type for tonight. Have you signed it? You can leave now. For the time being.

LACIKA
Can I go?

POLICEMAN
You will turn into a beautiful woman by the morning. See me ten o'clock on Wednesday to answer more questions. Sign it here, say that you got the summons.

POLICEMAN (cont'd)
Who are you wanting to speak to? Your name is Aniela? What?

ILDIKO
Why couldn't he come himself?

BRUNN
He told me to bring the books. That's all he said.

ILDIKO
He owns the restaurant. I work for him. Moni works for him. He can come whenever.

BRUNN
Moni doesn't live with him anymore.

ILDIKO
I was surprised that it lasted that long. He used to cheat on me with a totally different class of chick, anorexic model types in Prada dresses that smelt of vomit. But you learn how to cope when you get to my age. One morning I'm looking in the mirror saying, God I'm already 33, and while I'm brooding about that, I'm suddenly 43.

BRUNN
To be honest, he told me to ask you something. I'm supposed to watch you and tell him what kind of mood you were in. He'd love to meet you another time when you didn't have to talk about accounting. What do you say?

ILDIKO
No way.

MRS. MOLNAR
Are you sure this is for you, young man? This is an extraordinarily powerful sedative.

LACIKA
I'm extraordinarily nervous.

MRS. MOLNAR
If taken in this high dosage, it can cause several side effects, including hallucination. I'm not sure what to do.

LACIKA
You can't imagine how much I suffer with it. This is my punishment. But we all have to suffer.

MRS. MOLNAR
There's another problem though. Only a specialist can prescribe this pill. And this is only a family doctor's stamp. Would you mind if I check the prescription?

LACIKA
Don't bother, I'll take it somewhere else, then.

MRS. MOLNAR
It's not a problem, it's only a phone call.

LACIKA
Forget about it, it's not important.

MRS. MOLNAR
You must understand that I can't give this back to you.

LACIKA
Vitamin C! Vitamin C! Fuck your mothers you bloody motherfuckers! You kill people with this junk, you rats! Everybody is poisoned! Even the little newborn little babies are Vitamin C addicted! You corrupt drug peddling gangsters! Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! We're sitting on a shitload of first class dope and I can't get any! Where did they go? Life is bitch on her period! (composes himself) I need to get hold of some money from somewhere somehow.

LACIKA
Excuse me, lady. Do you need some help? Shall I carry your bag?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Leave me alone.

LACIKA
Would you like to buy some vitamin C?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Please go away, young man.

LACIKA
First class vitamin C from Pakistan.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Don't molest me, pretty please.

LACIKA
Don't you want to buy anything? I sell first class A things only. And I can get anything on request.

LACIKA (cont'd)
(to the dashund) Kitty Kitty Kitty.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
If I were you I wouldn't antagonise him. Most mornings I find human remains in his turds.

POLICEMAN
Hello hello hello, what's going on here then?

LACIKA
This woman tried to mug me! I've never seen the like! These people nowadays have no morals! The world has gone insane!

ARON
If you don't want it, just say so.

MONI
And what would you say if I told you I don't want it?

ARON
Fine. No worries. Forget it.

MONI
But that's not what I said!

ARON
I'm not cross. I understand you.

MONI
(seductively) When I look at you like this, what do you think I'm thinking?

ARON
Frankly, I've given this quite a bit of thought.

MONI
That I want you to kiss me.

ARON
Seen.

MONI
So what you waiting on?

ARON
You mean, now?

MONI
Are we waiting for a third party?

ARON
I can't do it on demand.

MONI
So how can you do it?

ARON
Spontaneously.

MONI
Then do it spontaneously.

MONI (cont'd)
What are you doing now, for God's sake?

ARON
Sit-ups.

MONI
Why now?

ARON
Thought it would turn you on. Hang on, there's someone outside.

ARON (cont'd)
We're closed.

LACIKA
I've been grilled for three hours at the police station I'm not in the mood for foolishness.

MONI
You still shouldn't rap like this on the window.

LACIKA
I like rapping. Where's the bag?

MONI
You can't keep this here. You better duss out and take that shit with you.

SING-SONG
We've got to talk to these kids. Their minds are pickled in puberty and it makes them confused. What can you do, it's genetic. But this time they've overstepped a little.

BRUNN
A little! I said this for the past hundred years, bring back hanging. If you get rid of criminals, you'll get rid of crime.

SING-SONG
So, they rang us?

BRUNN
Yes. They have our charlie with them. They want us to buy it back from them. How's this massage, not too painful?

SING-SONG
Clever little fuckers! Quite moving, really. I'll leave this to you, but no unnecessaries, alright? One of them used to work for Ildiko, she quite likes them. Make them understand that I am not buying back what already belongs to me. And when you come back, step into the pizza joint and find out what they put in my pizza today. It tasted like camel shit. Inedible! Oy, that hurts.

BRUNN
I did ask.

ARON
Is this the church of the dreaming heart?

FATHER LUKACS
Praise be to the lord! The church of the redeeming heart, yes. What would you like, my son?

ARON
I'd like to confess.

LACIKA
(whispering) Tell him you got car radios a tenner each.

FATHER LUKACS
Can't take confession at this time of day. Are you troubled, my son?

ARON
You could say so.

FATHER LUKACS
When was your last confession?

ARON
The truth is that my family are protestant.

FATHER LUKACS
Well, it would be a bit difficult to confess then.

LACIKA
Isn't he allowed?

FATHER LUKACS
Sadly no.

LACIKA
What's this bloody favouritism? Other people are allowed but not us, then? I don't believe this, for real. Ain't coming here again.

FATHER LUKACS
What's troubling you?

LACIKA
(whisper) Radio, radio.

ARON
Father, do you have a car?

FATHER LUKACS
The parish church has got one.

ARON
Would you like to buy a car radio for it?

FATHER LUKACS
I don't think so. Are you flogging car radios, my child?

ARON
Buy one, father, they're proper heavy.

FATHER LUKACS
Thank you, no, I don't need one.

LACIKA
I knew it, I would have laid money on this. If that piece of junk was my car, I wouldn't buy a stereo either, no doubt. The rust is the only thing holding it together. Father, you'll never ever be able to pull the nuns with that shitty motor, you can lyrix them strong and they'll still laugh at you. Let's go. The pope won't let him have a decent stereo for his motor.

ARON
Forgive him, father. Religion is not his forte, plus he's bit highly-strung lately.

ARON (cont'd)
Have you gone potty? You've lost your mind. I was just about to soften him up. He could have bought two or three. What a fishhead you are!

LACIKA
Who cares what you wanted. The main thing is that I've hidden the gear in the geeza's cupboard.

ARON
What cupboard?

LACIKA
Between some sort of books.

ARON
Most probly Bibles.

LACIKA
Most probly was.

ARON
Gimme the key.

LACIKA
Safer with me.

ARON
Oh yeah. That'd be like leaving a goat to tend to my cabbage.

LACIKA
We haven't tried it yet, to see what dope it is.

ARON
You're not going to, either!

LACIKA
Hey, has the Bible got music in it?

ARON
Music?

LACIKA
Each of the Bibles had sheet-music in it.

ARON
Hopefully, people don't feel like singing round here.

FATHER LUKACS
I can't hear you, talk louder! Have you got a light?

MONI
I don't know what to do, Father.

FATHER LUKACS
Did you love him?

MONI
Yes. A lot. I think.

FATHER LUKACS
But not anymore?

MONI
I don't know.

FATHER LUKACS
And what about him? Does he still love you?

MONI
I don't think so.

FATHER LUKACS
Every life is precious, my child. Do you remember the Fifth Commandment?

MONI
I think so. I'm almost certain. Would you clarify it for me, please?

FATHER LUKACS
My brain is not an archive! This is about your child. Your future child, my child.

MONI
(softly) I'm so worried, father.

FATHER LUKACS
I can't hear you. Speak up.

MONI
(even softer) I'm so worried.

FATHER LUKACS
Ten Hail Marys, then. Haven't got an ashtray, have you?

MONI
You just want me to give you a slap, and that's all?

BRUNN
Don't talk like a businesswoman.

MONI
What do you mean?

BRUNN
You sound cold.

MONI
(smiles sweetly) You just want to me to give you a slap, and that's all?

BRUNN
With this strap..

MONI
Yes?

BRUNN
Hit me.

MONI
It will hurt you.

BRUNN
That's the whole point.

MONI
You sure?

BRUNN
Yes. Sort of. Take off your blouse. (embarrassed) And your bra.

MONI
It'll cost you extra.

BRUNN
Of course. Nothing in this world is free.

MONI
Am I naked enough now?

BRUNN
Yes. Now hit me.

BRUNN
Establishing a company is like robbing a bank without cops. Mariusz is the master of it. It always impresses me when he says 'Well, then... Let's establish a company.' It gives me goosebumps. Now you see I'm the trustee in his company. You need to know this, that's how it works. One the day the cops raided a room where we'd been trying to get answers from a certain fellow who'd been giving us problems, and he'd already kissed goodbye to three of his fingernails. But our problems remained. There was Mura and his hammer, and the Bowski Twins, with a face that would make a pitbull shit himself. Next thing I know the police ask me 'what you doing here?' 'Negotiating business'. 'And who are you?' 'I'm Brunn, this is Golddust Ltd., a company registered in Liberia.' Offshore company, beautiful, clean company, you've never seen a cleaner company than this'. I know a certain someone who if he has problems, he says well let's establish a company, and this impresses me.. 'And what does this company deal with? 'They build and run casinos, lieutenant sir. We built and now run the Golddust Casino. There are 16 tables on the ground floor alone.' Then the Big Bowski says 'Yes, 16.' But his words are wasted, because his face alone could get him ten years inside. Thank God Mura didn't open his mouth, because he was hiding his hammer under the table. Then the police ask 'And you, Mister Brunn, what do you do for this Limited Company?' 'I am a trustee.' Then he asks Mura with the hammer 'And you, sir?' 'I am trustee too'. Then he turns to the Bowski twins, wasting his time, they would freak out a pitbull 'And you two?' 'We are trustees too, we deal with the trust.' 'And why is this gentleman's hand bleeding?' I'm sorry, I fell in the bathroom and hit my head' But it's your hand that's bleeding' 'I'm sorry, I fell in the bathroom and hit my hand.' 'But it's really bleeding. 'I really hit it'. Then he asks me 'Tell me sir, are you really a trustee?' 'Yes, sir, lieutenant sir.' 'And what is your job as a trustee?' 'I solve problems' Well, That's how it is.

FATHER LUKACS
I could weep, I could truly weep, that...

DOCTOR
Breathe out.

DOCTOR (cont'd)
One sigh will do.

FATHER LUKACS
That was my own private sigh.

DOCTOR
You smoke a lot, reverend.

FATHER LUKACS
I'm highly-strung at the moment.

DOCTOR
I only said you smoke a lot.

FATHER LUKACS
I'm moving flats.

DOCTOR
Do you eat properly ? What did you eat today?

FATHER LUKACS
Stewed lentils. 302 lentils precisely. I ate lunch at my mother's.

DOCTOR
Do you count the lentils while eating them?

FATHER LUKACS
What else can I do when my mother's talking?

DOCTOR
You can get dressed now.

FATHER LUKACS
I'm extremely nervous. We have choir rehearsal today and not one of those holy bags can sing a note.

DOCTOR
Well, have a good sing-along, then. I for one am irredeemably, fatally, tone deaf.

MONI
Don't come in.

LACIKA
I don't give a fuck about your story. Gimme my money directly right now.

MONI
Wait a sec. (to Brunn) Where's your money?

BRUNN
I've already paid.

MONI
I need more.

BRUNN
We've agreed a price.

MONI
I need more.

LACIKA
I don't believe this! What a fortuitous coincidence. How nice to meet you here! An old friend of mine. I love bumping into old friends.

MONI
Now piss off.

LACIKA
No way. Right now? When things are getting exciting? What's this?

MONI
You can see it's a belt.

LACIKA
It's rather like a ... strap. It's nice, isn't it?

BRUNN
(calmly) You're gonna regret this.

LACIKA
Do you hear this? Do you hear this, babe? He's threatening me, he's threatening me. I can't believe my ears, can you believe your ears, Anke?

MONI
It's out of my hands, mate.

BRUNN
Both of you fuck off.

LACIKA
Now that I see you like this, I'm getting a few ideas of my own.

BRUNN
I wouldn't recommend you gettin foolish.

MONI
Maybe you should fuck off.

LACIKA
What you going on about? You hearing this? He wants to recommend. Any other recommendations, Brunn? So what do you do with the strap?

BRUNN
Undo me, babe.

MONI
My Nan bought it for me from her package holiday in Croatia. Dubrovnik, Zagreb and all that.

LACIKA
Almost took my eye out. Not the most practical tool.

MONI
What do want from me? I'm doing this for him because I owe you.

BRUNN
Don't get any foolish ideas, kiddo, unless you wanna be pissing blood.

LACIKA
You hearing this shit? You hearing this? It really gets me going... You're turning me all the way on.

MONI
Where's Aron when you need him?

LACIKA
He went to church. I can't leave him like this. I can't. Did I get it right, you've got the money together then?

MONI
Its not my fault, Brunn.

BRUNN
They are gonna piss blood.

MONI
But you won't hurt me, will you?

BRUNN
They'll wish they were never born. I'll get the Bowski Twins onto them. They'll wish I'd cut their throats instead. Two little dirty little small timing scumbags. The Bowskis will get 'em and we'll run 'em up to the sawmill.

MONI
Are you going to hurt me now?

FATHER LUKACS
Mrs. Szabo. You're early.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
This church is my heart. I rush here quick as I can. My hymn books are at the ready. Father Lukacs, singing in the choir is all I have to keep me alive. Are we going to practice the 151st psalm?

FATHER LUKACS
That's going to be tricky.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
I know. It's a difficult score.

FATHER LUKACS
True, a very difficult score mainly because there's only 150 psalms.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
That's why I love it here, there's always something new to learn. Cup of tea, father?

FATHER LUKACS
Thank you.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
I've found some sort of sugar in the hymn book cupboard.

FATHER LUKACS
How has your day been, Mrs Szabo?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Just another day of fasting and sorrow.

FATHER LUKACS
I'm pleased to see you in such high spirits though.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
I'm sorry, Father, I was somehow overcome by laughter.

FATHER LUKACS
This tea's a little bitter. Pass that sugar, please.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
This world is full of suffering and torment, father.

FATHER LUKACS
Full. Full full full. To the brim.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
In short, the world is crap.

FATHER LUKACS
Indisputably, but what is to be done? This is the only world we live in.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Take today. I'm on the tube. As usual, not one empty seat. And those little rat people sit there and no one moves their arse. Do you know this feeling, Father?

FATHER LUKACS
Of course I do. We have to bear our suffrance with stoicism, my child.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
If I had a good automatic gun, I'd empty the whole chamber into one of those worthless kid's heart. There'd be empty seats then.

FATHER LUKACS
There would, my child, there would.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
A semi-automatic would also get the job done.

FATHER LUKACS
Daydreaming is a waste of time, my child. We must bear our tribulations day by day.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Like hell! The world is full of selfish egotistical fools thinking about themselves and not thinking about me. What will become of our country? Why can I never sit down on the tube? Or the bus? Or hardly ever? Even if I do, you can bet a half-cretin old hag will get on and stare into my face willing me to get off. Why am I not allowed to be tired? Why is this a world of stupid wankers and morons, why Father, why?

FATHER LUKACS
I don't have the foggiest, my child. These things are unfathomable and awesome.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
It's tragic that there are so many bloody shit-bags walking this earth, and not everybody is as gentle and virtuous as you and me.

FATHER LUKACS
Yes, now that I think about it that really is a bloody shame!

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
You haven't got a drop of brandy, have you?

FATHER LUKACS
'Fraid not, darling.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
What's that there?

FATHER LUKACS
Wine for the mass. Tastes like piss.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Shall we try it, then?

FATHER LUKACS
Someone's coming.

ARON
Jesus Lord! Is this what you sweeten your tea with? You guys are absolutely wasted.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Bollocks are we wasted! The tea is shit. Not sweet enough.

ARON
Well, father, you've really coffee'd y'self up today.

FATHER LUKACS
PG tip'd myself up, excuse my language.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
The choir's coming in half an hour. So get away til then. Do you think that maybe the sugar wasn't sugar?

FATHER LUKACS
Errare humanum est.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
What did you say?

FATHER LUKACS
Doesn't matter. My Latin is wasted on you.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
What is this insult now? It's so hot over here my head will burst any minute.

ARON
You don't even recognise the New Testament? How can you be such a mong?

LACIKA
Get off me with your New Testament.

ARON
Listen, you little prick, I'll break it down for you.

LACIKA
Don't break it down for me.

ARON
Maybe I should start with the Old Testament.

LACIKA
Holy shit...

ARON
Have ever heard of David and Goliath, for example?

LACIKA
Are you dumb? You asking me if I know David? The minute I sight David I'm knock him off like a blind man knocks off his glass. You asking me? Don't wind me up. That fool lives on Rozsa Street, and if I see him, he's going down for the count, but I dunno the other br'er.

ARON
You're such a fool! So David lives on Rozsa Street?

LACIKA
Thass right, Rozsa Street, what the fuck you looking at me like that for?

ARON
In Rozsa Street.

LACIKA
Rozsa Street, of course, but I don't know the other guy.

ARON
You don't know him then?

LACIKA
Why? He says he knows me? Maybe who does, who gives a shit. I'm famous round these sides. Even the head of the criminal department knows me. He knows me, so what? Whass this bre'rs name again?

ARON
Forget about it.

LACIKA
Why? Don't!

ARON
Goliath. Forget about it. He's a literary character. He only exists in a book.

LACIKA
Really? You never said that before.

ARON
So Goliath beat this David.

LACIKA
I'll beat him too.

ARON
Then he shot this Goliath guy, forget about all that, mate.

LACIKA
That was a different David.

ARON
When's this guy coming anyways?

LACIKA
He won't come here. We gotta link him in the gents. I reckon we're already late.

ARON
And only now you tell me? I'm sweating in a stolen motor with 2K of charlie in it, I'm a bag of nerves and you casually drop that this is not where we link him?

LACIKA
Couldn't get a word in, you kept banging on about the geeza from Rozsa Street who got shot.

ARON
I don't believe this! Let's go!

LACIKA
So now you reckon that we-

ARON
Let's dust!

LACIKA
I'm ok. Just this graffiti makes me didgy.

ARON
You're sweating like a pig!

LACIKA
Worry about yourself.

ARON
What does it matter what's on the walls? Look, the stupid fucker wants to be a clever prick. He's mixed up the men's bogs with the Taj Mahal, the asshole. Whassup with you, I'm enlightening you and you're not even listening? I can see you're freaking out, you flippin junkie fool.

LACIKA
Where is this guy?

ARON
We're gonna be fucking rich. I can see myself as a fucking rich man.

LACIKA
We've got to get off and she's not there.

ARON
I gotta say you look like a bag of shit. Soon those tiny brain cells will be all used up and you'll find yourself in a jam without a brain.

LACIKA
I told you to mind your own business.

ARON
I'll do the talking, alright?

LACIKA
No, I'll do the talking.

ARON
It's no biggie, we'll go underground for a coupla days, then we'll disappear. I dunno if I can trust you with this.

LACIKA
I'll speak then. You can't even tell the difference between this and icing sugar. This snake is late and I'm cold now.

ARON
You're always ill cause you're sniffing this shit.

LACIKA
I been clean for ages. Just today I feel poorly, can you get that in your brain?

ARON
We'll lay low til the cops cool off.

LACIKA
Can't you shut up even for one second?

ARON
Cause you're sniffing this shit. If you were a decent man like me, you wouldn't be sniffing it. You really are sweating, geez.

LACIKA
You've already informed me of this.

ARON
Wanna hear a joke? Why will women's ID numbers start with 3 from next year?

LACIKA
Shut up.

ARON
Because the dolphins got promoted to number 2! Alright, I'll tell you another one. How did the cannibal woman die? Her village bad-mouthed her! Y'get it? He village bad-mouthed her!

LACIKA
This wanker is late.

SING-SONG
Someone has to try it now.

ARON
Why don't you try it?

SING-SONG
Cause I ain't a fool!

LACIKA
This is decent, blood.

LACIKA (cont'd)
Wait wait wait. What about the dosh?

SING-SONG
It's with me.

ARON
Now!

ILDIKO
Sorry.

MONI
Leave it. (staring intently) Is it true what everyone's saying?

ILDIKO
This novel looks interesting. Let me see. (reads) 'Then the woman gently placed her lips around his pulsating...'

MONI
You're a whore. Sing-Song told me all about you and him.

ILDIKO
This is really beautiful. It's so romantic!

MONI
I feel dreadful, I think I've cried all day long.

ILDIKO
They've filled your head with rubbish.

MONI
You think that excuses what you've done?

ILDIKO
I'm waiting for someone. And I don't want to talk to you.

MONI
I'll never forgive you.

ILDIKO
I know you won't.

POLICEMAN
We're struggling to make any progress, madam. So, did you see this car?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Yes, my son, but when I saw it, it wasn't blue.

POLICEMAN
I know this girl, it's not her car.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
I don't give a shit whose car it is. They were packing the gear into it, they were in a hurry. I always keep an eye on what's happening on the street.

POLICEMAN
Do you live alone, madam?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Yes, kid. I've been alone ever since my cat committed suicide.

POLICEMAN
Do you wear glasses, madam?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
The hell I do!

POLICEMAN
How is your eyesight?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Like an eagle.

POLICEMAN
The reason I ask is the woman in question has a small car with a one-litre engine. It's called Chrysler. It's a very different make from the one you described. Do you realise that, madam?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
I'd love to see that.

POLICEMAN
How did it sound when they started the car?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Pretty good.

POLICEMAN
That's useful testimony. All we know is you saw a non-blue car, with a pretty good voice. Anything else you want to add to your statement?

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Of course there is! You just never ask! This is a 4 cylinder, 24 valve aluminium engine, 220 horsepower, 18 inch light metal wheels, sonny, stainless steel double exhaust pipe, central divider, electronic TRC, stability check 4 wheel drive, cutting it short, it's a Lancia City Cruiser. So you can go to hell, my son, with your one-liter mouse-lorry, the 4400 cubic centimetres, for sure. Are you getting all this down, prickface?

POLICEMAN
Kindly desist from hitting my desk with a stick if you could, and it's captain, please, madam.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
What's this captain?

POLICEMAN
Captain is my rank.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Fine. Did you follow my flow captain prickface? I got a good look at it, because that hooker from the pizzeria was snoggin that starchy posh kid so hard that the 4 wheel drive nearly stalled. And then that flaccid ponce saw me and pointed his gun at me but I told him not to shoot. (beat) I didn't want to die in a polyester jumper.

POLICEMAN
They were kissing? Intriguing. That puts a different light on the matter.

FRAGILE ELDERLY LADY
Too bloody right! Of course it does! They can't get one by on the old Nanette!

MONI
What do you want?

LACIKA
We need to hide.

MONI
And whass it gotta do wimme?

LACIKA
They won't look here.

MONI
Why my place?

LACIKA
Hurry, for god's sake! They'll shoot us on your doorway til we look like a sieve.

MONI
No way. No enough space for both of you.

ARON
What then?

MONI
How am I s'posed to know? Draw lots.

LACIKA
Are you mad?

ARON
Leave it. It's better to split up.

ARON (cont'd)
This can stay here. We'll divvy it up when the manor cools down. Got matches?

LACIKA
This is mine.

MONI
Someone's coming.

MONI (cont'd)
(to Lacika) Sorry, bruv..

LACIKA
Fucking hell! Fucking hell! Where shall I go now?

MONI
Stop hitting the door.

LACIKA
Shit!

LACIKA (cont'd)
Couldn't I please still stay?

ARON
It's better if we split up.

LACIKA
Bollocks!

LACIKA (cont'd)
I'm having this. I'm not daft!

ARON
Can I get a shower?

MONI
After will you wear that dress?

ARON
Oh. Uh... I was only looking at this and wondering if you were gonna to wear it tonight.

MONI
I think so.

MONI (cont'd)
So, you've moved out of your mum's place?

ARON
Yup. Shoulda done it long time.

MONI
So you got your own drum? I'll come and visit you one day.

ARON
That would make me happy. Especially if you bring some furniture with you.

MONI
(dreamily) It's romantic to sit on a rug with a coffee mug in your hands.

ARON
Then you better bring coffee mugs and all.

MONI
Aron..

ARON
Yes?

MONI
No. Nothing.

ARON
What? What did you wanna ask?

MONI
It's not important.

ARON
So..

MONI
Yes?

ARON
So..

MONI
I'm listening.

ARON
I'm glad that it turned out this way.

MONI
What way?

ARON
Me staying.

MONI
I could care less which one a you stays. It woulda been better if you'd both had it on your toes.

ARON
I'll try not get in your way. Your aunt ain't still here, is she?

MONI
They moved with Barbra. Well, then..

ARON
Well, then...

MONI
You wanted to have a shower.

ARON
Oh yeah! Yeah.. Can you gimme a towel?

MONI
What? Oh yeah, course...

MONI (cont'd)
What the fuck? You gone mad or summink?

ARON
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know whass come over me all of a sudden. Sorry.

MONI
You gone nuts? I hope you ain't got the wrong idea about me lettin you stay here.

ARON
God forbid! I'm very grateful and...

MONI
Aron?

ARON
Yes?

MONI
Towel?

ARON
Yeah, course, what a mug I am..

MONI
Which one do you want?

ARON
Not fussed. Not fussed at all. That one.

MONI
This?

ARON
No. That one.

MONI
Take it then.

ARON
I can't take this anymore.

MONI
Leave meee.

ARON
Whatever you want.

LACIKA
Whatchou bringin me here for?

POLICEMAN
Shutchour mouth.

LACIKA
What are we waitin for?

POLICEMAN
We're waiting for someone.

LACIKA
I don't believe this! I don't believe this! He's grassed me up! I'm fuckin fartfaced! I been G'd up!

POLICEMAN
Where you been?

LACIKA
You snake. We sat at the same school-bench and you sell me down the river. You're not a copper, you're a bloody gangster.

SING-SONG
(To Brunn) Hang back a moment. Little sweeties, ain't they? I'll wet myself. They mash up my Lancia, purloin my dough and mess things up with my bird. I've had it with this tuppence ha'penny crew.

SING-SONG (cont'd)
I've been cultivating my business for a decade. Ten years I've waited for the nod from Mariusz so I could stand on my own two feet and these two have fucked it up in a weekend. These three homos have fucked my shit up.

BRUNN
I'm fucked off with hearing your bollocks.

SING-SONG
Whadjuh say?

BRUNN
I've had enough a your bullshit.

SING-SONG
Whass your problem?

BRUNN
I'm sick of your monologues, I'm sick of your singing, I'm sick of your face, and what makes you think I gotta give you a massage, thass fine for Mariusz, but you? I bring you pizza, massage your crappy back, run messages to your woman, get off me now. I've had enough of your shit! And you can forget about Moni.

SING-SONG
What are you waiting for now? Shoot the fucker!

BRUNN
I done toljuh already I can't stand your singing, and step aside, your face is in the frame.

BRUNN (cont'd)
You just sung your last song! Swallow this!

POLICEMAN
What's going on? Why did you shoot him instead?

BRUNN
And you can swallow this and all.

LACIKA
No more bullets? (helpful concern) No more bullets?

BRUNN
No more bullets.

LACIKA
Have you shot 'em all?

BRUNN
I've shot 'em all.

LACIKA
And none left with you?

BRUNN
No, fuck it.

LACIKA
(apologetic) I don't have any either.

BRUNN
Fuck it.

LACIKA
It's because your personality is unstable. I've seen it. I hate to say this, but how could you leave your home with just the one clip? I'm saying this to help. You've fallen apart, mate. (Lacika holds his own head in his hands.) You've completely fallen apart I'm saying this to help.

ARON
Whatchou looking in the mirror all the time for?

MONI
Think I got a fat tongue?

ARON
I'm sure they caught him.

MONI
Who?

ARON
Lacika.

MONI
I bet he's with his girl.

ARON
He ain't got a girl.

MONI
Impossible. He keeps on about someone called Krisztina.

ARON
God almighty, she's so butters I wouldn't touch her with a barge-pole.

MONI
Could still be his girl. Maybe she has her secret charms.

ARON
She's got a tattoo on her left tit.

MONI
And why is that good?

ARON
Dunno. Just a little scribble. A whassernames. When she breastfeeds, her baby's gonna drink from a patterned teacup.

MONI
So you say she got a tattoo on her left tit?

ARON
A small one, yeah.

MONI
And exactly how is it that you know this?

ARON
Shit.

LACIKA
You're not gonna believe this shit, trust me. (beat) What woman are you talking about?

ARON
How the hell did you get here?

MONI
Hope you weren't scheming on my cut.

ARON
Who wants to be a millionaire?

LACIKA
It can't be true!

ARON
Could let me hold a little change til tomorrow?

LACIKA
I don't believe this!

ARON
Shall I bung you a million?

LACIKA
Shall I bung you two million?

LACIKA (cont'd)
Everything is sorted. So get this, I'm bopping down the street peacefully, when -

MONI
Thanks, I have enough.

MONI (cont'd)
Aron...

ARON
Are you leaving? For the airport?

LACIKA
So I'm bopping down the street, right -

MONI
It's pointless. It's pointless to go to South-America.

ARON
Why? Doesn't your mum live there?

LACIKA
Fuck's sakes...

MONI
Ildiko is my mother. Sing-Song told me yesterday.

ARON
What?

LACIKA
What?

MONI
You heard.

LACIKA
Seriously, I am as confused as a baby in a titty bar.

ARON
How can you say this so calmly?

MONI
Howjuh want me say it? I cried all day Sunday. My grandmother raised me. That's the way it is.

LACIKA
Now you're wonged up and it'll make up for all that suffrance.

MONI
Eat your money.

ARON
Stop jumping on the bed.

MONI
Why? He can do what he wants, he's a wealthy man.

LACIKA
Reckon she's going to her mum?

ARON
No.

LACIKA
To her kid first, I guess.

ARON
She ain't got no kid.

LACIKA
But I've seen the kid.

ARON
She ain't got no kid and she ain't got no mum. She's just another junkie.

LACIKA
She's going to her mum. Thass what she always wanted to do.

ARON
A junkie with a daydream.

BRUNN
This is the fourth time I've come to see you. I've never seen one of these girls more than twice. Seems I got myself attached to you. Seems like you capture everyone's heart. Seems everybody loves you. Why?

MONI
Dunno.

BRUNN
Maybe I've fallen in love with you too. Even though you don't love anybody. At the end of the day, you're just another addict.

BRUNN (cont'd)
I'll be ready in a minute.

MONI
As it happens, I don't actually take drugs. I hate them all withy a passion. And I can't stop using all of them. The ecstasy is an exception, of course. That does me good. But if I could just stop for one minute, if I wouldn't chase after one guy when I'm still running from another, if I could bear to spend more than five minutes a week with my daughter, leaning over her head with a fake grin, if I weren't rifling through the Doctor's surgery for Codein, Percodan, Valium, Xanax, Thorazine, Halcion, Antidolorica and Noxyron and for unwritten prescriptions while I con the nurse into leaving the room, if my pill consumption wasn't of industrial proportion, if my biggest achievement of the summer wasn't to sniff coke without spilling a drop, or at least use less coke, or if I'd always remember who the fuck it is I'm talking to, or if I could remember the name of the guy I shagged this time last year, then yeah, blatantly, my life would be like an American Dream Come True.

END